lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
Finally, a Friday that feels like holiday.
The room is filled with golden sunlight, all the thoughts which are more complicated than a simple 'actio et reactio' are banned and the weekend trip to my parents is planned and sealed. (I've convinced them to re-watch the Spielberg "Tintin"-movie and on Sunday we'll go hiking to the Marienburg castle, chatting about the entropy and the 'latest' Wodehouse novels).
To put it short: Life's awesome.

Also, it was a hell of a week. An almost inhuman heat (I wanted a thunderstorm so badly but it never came), lots of scientific papers to read and comprehend, preparation for a bally tedious 40-minutes English presentation about some sigma-reactions I still don't fully understand and an oral examination to survive.

Especially the last one was putting my nerves on edge. It's about my favorite physical stuff (kinetics of reactions) but the examiner is a Humboldt-Prize winner, a world-known chemist and possibly my future chef (for I'd love to do my Ph.D. at the Mark-Planck-Institution... if they want me as well? ^^") So, I was nervous. Like, really nervous.
The day before I tried to relax, so I took my bicycle and went on riding into the forest covering the hills all around Goettingen (it's really picturesque round here). And I got lost. It was the first time ever that I got lost and the most embarrassing experience of the last few years. I started my trip at about 8 p.m. and when I finally did get home if was about 1 a.m. One good side-effect: I was indeed distracted from the exam-worries.

Also, I've got an 1.3 which is marvelous :)
1.3 is about the same as "A-", I guess. Just - you'll never get the A-mark if you have to deal with our profs. To quote one of my fellow students about some another exam: "I've answered each one of the damn questions he asked and still! He said, for an 1.0 my answers were lacking that certain something, that je ne sais quoi, if you know what I mean. I wonder, if he wanted me topless or something." Love you guys >D

Well, as for me I'm fine with my 1.3 :) More than just fine, actually. Temporary happiness for everyone? >:)

(it's not champagne - though, I would appreciate that one as well - it's dry white-wine with soda and some strawberry added.)

P.S.: Jet another quote from one of the OC-seminar presentations (yes, the one I'm still working on) from some other fellow student on the theme of herbicides:
"The task of a chemist is to kill. But we don't want to kill everything."
I think, I want a shirt with that one.

/Off to buy some ice-cream to make the party perfect.
lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)

Sorry for the long absence - The university is eating up all my free time and the constant fever about 37.6 °C (~ 99.7 F) keeps me away from the Internet at rare leisure times. (savouring audio books or sleeping seems more appealing at those evenings.)

My routine now consists of dealing with triphosgene (it's almost the same as phosgene, yeah, that one from WWI but solid at ambient temperature)  or benzene (causes cancer and a bunch of other similar pleasant diseases to almost any part of the body and mind) or chloroform (which not only makes you dizzy and tired but can also be metabolized to phosgene -you again!- or cause an cardiac arrest).

Did I already mentioned I hate lab-work?
(I know, I did. Sorry for the battology?)

the bad, the good and the Cabin Pressure :) )

"... Declaring itself the rabbit of negative euphoria."
"Not a happy bunny..."

lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
I'm a bit exhausted. Liar.
To tell  the truth, I'm really dead tired. Maybe I have no stamina or it's too dark and misty outside or maybe I just hate organic synthesis and lab-practice.
The first master semester is the worst - it's getting better afterwards. And don't tell me otherwise, 'cause it's the only hope I have.

Shameless pimping from our university: chemistry promotion video (I personally know 90 % of those people and all of the apparatus, so for me it seems a bit awkward with that sterile, unpersonalized off-screen voice.)
It's not science, it's art (almost German, but hey, there are pretty pictures of colorful test tubes?..)

I do find it a bit unfair, all you get to see in the vid is about organic chemistry. Well, at least 95 % of the show are. The lasers and the secretary girls aren't. Does they only mentioned all the three departments (bio+organics & anorganics & physics chemistry) to better focus on one?
And why is physical chemistry so shy? Without theoretical & physical departments there won't be any test tubes experiments and nothing to show off. Sure, page-long formulas or shiny vacuum-instruments aren't so sparky as simple test tubes but... it's chemistry too. Lasers and bombs, biophysics and thermodynamics, nano-particles and tunnel-electrons, Schrödinger & Heisenberg, eigenfunctions and quantum chemistry.

Why don't we have as mighty lobby as the organics with their pharmacy industry?

P.S.: Don't get me wrong, I still like the vid and my faculty. Despite the nagging. It's just ... I wished for more physical chemistry stuff in it, because I'm starting to feel like I belong to a repressed minority group o.Ô"
It's honorable but hard.
lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
Actually, the last entry is a bit out-of-date. I started it a week ago, to be precise... but right after I wrote about the "All individuals"-vid, my Internet died and I perceived it as a Sign.

Also, the was an important change in my mood. And some fabulous thunderstorms the next few days.

And my shooting club (I've started with an air gun instead of a rifle!). And sports (that light air gun grows quite heavy in your hand after an hour of shooting -> I need some muscles ò.ó By the way, I've seen two of our Profs in the gum, as well. It's really awkward to see someone who you've only seen all buttoned-up, now wearing only a pair of shorts and a sweat soaked shirt...) And Theater (4 Rooms!). And some lazy afternoons with a book, a pumpkin backed with cheese and a glass of cold-cold milk.
Not to forget the weekend I've spent at my parents. Including a 5-hours-long walk to the sea nearby :3

Altogether, I'm starting to really enjoy my life right now. There is this one last exam, though. Like a dark cloud on the flawless blue sky... But it's at the end of September, so I decided to spend the first two weeks somewhere else :D
Means -> Starting from tomorrow I'll go on holiday!

Good-bye, my dears ♥
See you after 8th September.

The mystical metamorphosis from a tiered geek with dark circles around the eyes to bright and shiny Bacheloretta <3

I guess, I just needed a doctor. (Attention: Sherlock BBC & Doctor Who reference... and, damn, that idea about fem!Moriarty cosplay just wont disappear! Mycroft's to blame. Sure.)

P.P.S. In the last three weeks I've already unlearnd to use the Internet or to write proper entries. I wonder if I'll still remember my LJ-password after two more weeks aft o.O" I hope so, for there are a lot of lab photos at my cam <3


Aug. 24th, 2011 12:24 am
lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
I'm done with my Bachelor Thesis.

And the grade's better to be really good, for I had spent 4 month experimenting and writing and negating that overrated thing called private life. (... and almost 90€ (=130$) for printing and binding ò.ó" - 70 pages in color and the pretty darkblue cover XD)

The fact (that I'm done) haven't fully trickled into my head yet. That I'm free. That I don't have to get up at 8 a.m. and start writing, that the presentation was a success (I have forgotten almost the half of all the things I wanted to mention and was still speaking for good 40 minutes~) And that the summer is back, even if it's only for a few days...

But when I came home yesterday, all done and happy and adrenalin-crazy, I just fell asleep... Embarrassing, isn't it? At the age of 24 one should go party, not curling in their bed and just laying still, too tiered to even put another Inkheart CD into the player~ (Tintenherz: a young-adult novel <3)

Then again, a guy who started with his thesis at the same time as me and in the same research group was taken to psychiatry yesterday. He's now in therapy and will stay in hospital for at least 4 weeks. So, I guess, my panic attacks before the presentation were still normal. (And boys are not as stable as girls when it comes to stress.)

Also, I've learned a lot of important and less-important things. The less-important ones are going to stuck in my head forever... For example, while learning python (programming language) I got curious about why on or earth is it called python? (My family name goes back to one certain python species, so I'm a bit touchy-feely when it comes to snakes~) I've never heard of Monthy Python till I've started programming - The show is a bit lame but it sure has it moments. Especially the film "Life of Brain". This one episode is just epic.
"You are all individuals!"
Yes, we are all individuals..."
"You are all different!"
"Yes, we are all different..."
"I'm not..."

The joke is really old, I know. Still love it <3
lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
stage fright
-> NOUN: Acute nervousness associated with performing or speaking before an audience.

Never thought it would affect me.
I mean, all I have to do is to stand up and explain (loud and clear) a highly complex theme in front of round hundred students and a dozen of  Professors...

And as if it's not enough, my own Prof asked me, if I can play the chairman for the first session. ("Vorsitzender" sounds even more ridiculous.)
What on earth made him think, I'm the right person for that job? Standing there, smiling, call the lecturer on the speakers desk and cut them off, when they talked over their limits. I'll need a megaphone to make myself noticeable. (can you just push somebody down if they talked too long? And how am I suppose to moderate an obligatory after-presentation discussion, if I hate public debates?)

Oh, yes, the reason why it have to be me, is that the only another person in the run had a broken nose and will be operated tomorrow noon.
(can somebody punch me please? I'll try not to fight back. Not too hard at least.)

Also, shall I wear a tie?
Or a suit?
Or just drink a big glass of valerian before it starts?

(whenever I'm nervous or dead-tiered or just feeling uncomfortable around a person - my accent gets really bad. Otherwise it's almost not present but in those cases it sounds just... gross. Strangely, it never happens when I'm drunk - I guess, it's just a cliché after all.)

Also, it's impossible to explain the basics of "X-Ray and Neutron Scattering Analysis Methods" in just a half of an hour. The theme is huge and amazing and combines quantum mechanics as well as theoretical physics - after being engaged in the theme for weeks, I can't help but love it. And now I'll have to simplify it all in some dumb overview presentation. Damn.
(It's just awesome!)

So, the week-end of doom starts tomorrow and will go till Monday, the 31th May.
My turn will be on Sunday, at 11:30 a.m.
Wish me luck <3

By the way, it also means, I have to spend the next weekend in the labs in order to catch up with my thesis plans.
It's not like I'm a workaholic or something but.
Research is not a standardized nine-to-five job: I can take myself a day free, if my amobeas suddenly die from... actually, I still don't know why it happened that day. But on the other hand... Well, for example, yesterday:

(In the following the pretty Chef-girl who was so kind to show around the lab denotes as E.)

E.: - You measurement's time starts about 6 p.m. today, okay? Now that you can work alone, the experiment should take you only a few hours.
Me: - Um, on Wednesdays I'm normally at Taekwando. .. but it's fine. Really! I can pass a training or two, bachelor thesis is sure more important than that ^_^
E:  - Oh no, dear! You shouldn't sacrifize your hobbies, those are very important for the right mental balance.
Me: *beams with joy*
E: - Now that you have a key of your own, you can open the labs anytime. So, why won't you just come back right after your training? At 8 p.m.? In fact, that would be even better, so I can try one more measurement myself, before you'll need the microscope. Deal?
Me.... yeah, right. Till 8 p.m. then.

Will it be that despicable to wish my amoebas a few more casual death', so that I can enjoy a bit of the spring?

P.S.: to make this nervous entry looks a bit less nerdy - I've started watching Firefly and it's absolutely great. If you like SciFi or nor - just go and watch it. Now.
Reminds me strongly of Cowboy Bebob. Especially, because of their cool but somehow really creepy crew. Oh, and because of the sarcasm of the show >3

lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
I'm still alive. Kind of. Just a bit busy.

With stuff like:

Learning how to work in a sterilized lab. How to handle an atomic force microscopy without breaking this hideously expensive, bitching princess thing.
Not going mad at the amebae or at my stupid self for forgetting to put the lid over the gold electrode for the night. You see, the most of my measurements goes over night, so if the lid is not there, the solution, where my pets are swimming around peacefully, will vaporises after just a few hours and they will painfully suffocate... while - for the sake of the experiment (!) - they are supposed to starve to death. Um.

Learning python. One of the most simple programming language. Or so I was told. Um.
Then again, I can use the few techniques I've already learned for ImageProcessing to automatise trimming my holiday photos. If I ever have holidays again.
(by the way, in UNIX shell programming there some really elegant rules: for example, you start a command with an if and you have to end your order with an fi. Also, once a program cowardly refused to obey. And yes, I'm quoting it word-for-word. Linux is sure crazy. And fun <3)

Oh, and I've managed that double-kick from Taekwando <3 And had my first shooting without a supporting "pillar" under my gun. Never thought that rifle was so damn heavy... I mean, I really have some muscles, I've trained with shinai for some years, I've done exercises with free weights - not regularly but still... I just can't stay still enough to take accurate aim. That's annoying! Especially since with that pillar I'm really, really good. Bother!
Well, I'll have to improve then <3

Oh, and I have to find time to sleep as well.
But not before I'll take a final look at my presentation for the next weekend. My turn is next Sunday, at 11 a.m. Yes, we're are just that hardcore in Göttingen.

And that one dear fellow from my university will convince me into an audio!WK-fanfiction. Damn her and her great ideas.

As for the shadow sides.... I'm consistently tiered. Physical and somehow emotional too. And I have that troublesome feeling of achieving nothing at all. Just struggling. Struggling and getting even more exhausted. I'm quite a patient type, but this time I want to see some results. Like. NOW.

So, in order to manage that current crazy schedule a bit better, I guess, I'll have to make my internet presence even shorter ._."
Don't forget about me, dears. Because I sure won't!
I'll be back (c)


P.S. Greeting back for kuru :3

P².S: Oh, and to explain the title of the entry: whenever the things gets too stressed for me, I tend to miss the deadline for returning the books back to the city library. This time I own them exactly 13 € for being such an idiot. Come to think of it - not my worst score.

lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
Contrary to my previous plans I had to spend the weekend at the university, looking after my experiment which wasn't going exactly how I've expected it to go... So much for enjoying the nice weather~

All things considered the days are so frenetic lately, I'm slightly afraid, I bite off a bit more than I can chew...
Bun then again, it's spring, I'm young and the whole world is at my feet, so why the hell not?

For example I have a weak spot for all kind of weapons, but after a year full of kendo, I wanted to try out something completely different... So, at Thursday I was at an air rifle shooting - the every first time I hold a gun in my hand, not a shotgun though.
And it was an amazing feeling, staying there, holding still, full concentration and for a few seconds the world stays still ... and then - a fast sound and a tiny hole in the target. After the first attempts I hit the bull's eye quite frequently <3

... Despite my poor eyesight.
But, well, you don't have to boast 0.0 dioptres to take an accurate aim. The decisive factor is the ability to stand still. (After the first 15 shoots I had to make a pause though - to focus on a mean small point in a 10 meters distance isn't that healthy for weak eyes either.)
I'll see if my enthusiasm will hold for a few more days and if I'm as capable with small calibre guns as I'm with rifles than maybe I'll join the shooting association~ (this one: Schützenverein)

Even though, the members are all looking quite cliché-like so far. You know, so .. typical old school German. Old geezers with beer bellies, doing nothing but talking about how much better it was in the past.....
The only other Newbie was a girl of my age <3 (the new generation comes!) She studies medicine and on Wednesdays, when I have my Taekwando lessons, she's doing Boxing! I've seen her trough the glass doors of the next room in our martial arts centre~  It was quite a remarkable coincidence, meeting her there. So, afterwards we had to clink our coffee glasses at the strange twist of fate. And, gosh, we have talked till the very late hour, which is absolutely unusual for me...  I'm still a bit suspicious of fate. A few years ago I had complained, all the awesome people I know are living awful far away from me and now - there are people here, at my place, just a stone's throw away, whom I can talk to. About each and every topic I want; from SciFi and chemistry and theatre and politics to Sherlock BBC or Weiß Kreuz, or yaoi & yuri and travelling plans and crazy novel plots.
Life is quite awesome right now.
(which doesn't mean, I don't miss my far-away friends as well ._." But I've already planed to visit my dearest ones this year! ò.ó. So, Prague & Berlin are definitely included. And we'll see, if I can afford a non-European journey someday <3)

And a small university related note as well:
The computer applications lectures by my prof (my because it's his study group where I'm working at my thesis) are a bit complicated for I'm not really a computer freak, but at least the prof seems to be quite a funny fellow. Lucky me, he only looks like Dr. House (without a crutch) but his character is much nicer (and a bit awkward. Tight black jeans presents just a perfect contrast for the nasty habit of wiping the chalk from his hands on his pants. It always looks like somebody had grabbed his ass....) But I've learned a lot about python, C++, Linux & Co., so if after this evening I suddenly disappear from the Internet, it means, the experiment of changing my Windows to Linux went wrong and I occidentally killed my notebook....

Oh, and a few more photos, since you had to listen to me talking for a while now.. just lay back and click on the cut to enjoy the non-verbal photo-communication about Science Slam and the current girlish spring fashion presented by the silly Me <3

(c) ThOP
Stage @ ThOP )


massive self-aggrandisement <3 )
Let me act childish, I'm already terrified of how difficult the next two month' will be - I'm excited and anxious at the same time. How am I suppose to learn properly when I'm so high?~

P.S.: I shall post a few Lisbon photos within the next weeks... because one good friend pointed out to me, that when it comes to the memories of good times, even bad photos are better then none <3

lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
[Edit] - link fixed

Actually, I planed to relax and enjoy the time left till the university will start.. Well, it doesn't exactly turned out the way I planed.

For example - the last night I was awake, wandering through the darkness and drinking cheap coffee~
Oh no, it wasn’t a night full of party and dancing.
And nope, I wasn’t learning all the time either.
Any other suggestion?
How about: At midnight there were some fire officers knocking at my door – “You have to leave the apartment immediately:  We vacate the whole building due to a bomb disposal nearby. You can spent the time in the clinic on the corner, there is already an information stand waiting if you have any questions. Thank you.”
Everything was really well organized, I have to admit that much.

I still hope, that night will stay quite a ... unique experience.
Everything worked out well, they could defuse the bomb =)
(btw, it was an old British aircraft bomb)

And now I really need to catch up on sleep in order not to spill the bacteria solution on the aseptic clean extractor hood. (I started with my first independent research this week!! Yeah, me!)

And not to feel that sore and aching after Taekwondo, which turned out to be really fun =) It is much less a way of life then Karate was~ Oh, and you can spin around till you're dizzy >D

Also, as the true fan of our theatre I was visiting the April's play - "You can't take it with you", which was amazingly funny and somehow really wise <3 (photos from the show - German; and a link to the film, based on the play - English)

During the weekend I should have a bit more free time to ramble around LJ and answer all the interesting treads <3
Sleep well~

lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)

I've got a new crush lately: a cruel and utterly beautiful one - analytical chemistry ♥ Actually, the course ended a few weeks ago, but since I'm still working on the paper with the results, I can't get rid of it. Forensic science is frustrating and fascinating at the same time, but writing the research down is quite an annoying job. Especially, since I'm working with TeX again and after a long break I lost lots of my skills x_x"
Also, I set one of my spectrograms on fire ^^" Well, no more  perfumed candle while learning anymore?
(or maybe I was just nervous about my bachelor thesis. Buridan's ass would be the best match for my soul mate. After 2 and a half years I finally find out that biophysical chemistry would be my dream comes true, and now they want me to decide about a thesis in only a few hours - I'll need at least a half of a year  to make my mind o_o")

Well, curios to see some high-tech devices I was working with?

click~ )

Also, I've started ballroom dancing! Since I was on my own, I got a random dance-partner there... Well, he is studying French & Politics eduction for a teaching post at secondary schools. Which makes us quite a funny "couple" (side note: in a completely innocent way - he's so skinny and tiny, I'm feeling like some plump orc while dancing with him XD But at least I can learn how to lead ... my future dancing partner sure wouldn't mind? <3)
One evening we were coming back from the dancing lesson, passing "some strange guys with stocks" and I had to switch to the Mr. know-it-all and was talking about shinai and kendo for the rest of the evening. He fled as soon as he could... Whatever. I just noticed, how I miss kendo ._." But I promised myself to go fencing this semester, which was not the best decision I made. Not only I run into my old relationship (which isn't that bad) but  the course is also quite boring (which is bad!). Well, may be it'll getting better in a few weeks (or months) but right now it's not much of a challenge to prick a fencing glove with a floret . Even when the glove is sliding down the wall - after a half of an hour even a monkey will get it.

Also, I desperately need money. Since this year there won't be any new TA positions at the university, (yes, we have to pay over 700 € each semester for studying and they still have nerves to say there have no money! >_<") I had to find another part-time job. So I've got a new student that I'm tutoring after university and one-to-one tutoring is way more stressful that teaching in a class. But since the payment is better, I guess, it's okay. (Just the same as everywhere: working for the industry was always more profitable than for the sake of science XD)

I still had a few evenings left, reserved for culture and social contacts. After sitting at home for days and just learning or starring an the celling all day long (which is sometimes the same) it was just great wandering through the Christmas market or visiting the theatre. 
The Physicists. The first of Dürrenmatt's play I ever read (and it was love at the first sight act), unfortunately, they had to cut a lot (it was only a 2-hours play ._.) and one of the nurses (Monica - the one who was still alive at the beginning XD) still managed to get undressed <.<" (why? WHY? Why does someone have to strip for a play to get acknowledged?) but it was still the good old angry Dürrenmatt >D (for the German Text and Photos from the play go here)
The other play I absolutely recommend is "Party Game" (here more but still not famous enough for a wikepedia article, I guess ) - especially the end, when everything turns upside down and the real intentions are revealed. At that point I was already pleased with the moral of the story, but than - just few minutes before the end - the plot turned one more time and there was the next level of the intrigue. (also, it was performed in an old operation hall which was an amazing idea - despite sitting on the both sides from the scene you never had the impression of starring at someone's ass instead of their faces. Great interpretation!)
The concept of the play reminds me of "Inception" (yeah, I'm quite slow on the uptake~) - but the idea of dream in a dream in a dream is just so after my fancy! *_*;; (Are there any Weiß Kreuz crossover with Inception? Not only it would explain what Farfarello and Berger was doing in Crawfords mind, but wouldn't Schuldig make just a perfect Forger? >3 And Nagi would be awesome as an Architect. Craword - the Pointman? And Farfarello... well ... the ultimate totem? XD)

Oh, and while speaking about awesomeness: Not only I forgot to mention a bunch of great authors from the summer 120_minuten-project (Team Van Gogh - we were awesome! <3) but I also nearly missed the new X-Mas time challenges. (No, I sure don't have any free time for writing.. but I spend way too much hours sleeping lately. If I rearrange the priorities there sure will be a few hours left..)

Banner-time! I couldn't decide so there will be 3 Van Gogh's! XD

(by awesome [livejournal.com profile] nyx_chan)

(by talented [livejournal.com profile] lumcheng)

(by great [livejournal.com profile] der_jemand)

PS: The best receipt against the winter depressions: eating eucalyptus-honey & reading Kurt Vonnengut. (hui, he was studying chemistry too? And did his magistracy in anthropology? Sure why not? *_*;)

lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
Here I am back again in rainy, windy, grey and cold Germany.
The recent vacation already seems like a colourful dream to me. Yesterday there were bright sunlight, warm sea, delicious cocktails ... and at once it's unfriendly autumn all over the place. (usually I'm a big fan of subtle autumn melancholy but it came so unexpected this time. And I already miss 4 hours swimming a day ._.")

A decent pic-spam will follow the days, first I have to unpack bags... and prepare the synthesis papers for the an-organic advanced Labs which starts on Monday. The labs'll take the whole September. (And I already feel like I have forgotten everything I've learned the last year. This emptiness in my head gives me a strange but somehow comforting feeling @.@) Anyway, it's impossible to concentrate when they are playing good old rock in your inner courtyard . "Born to be Wild", "Highway to Hell", "Venus", "Summer of '69". I couldn't have wished for a better concert! 
(one typical moment from the holidays: I told Dad, there were a lot bright-summer-time-music on my MP3 player and he borrowed it for one evening. The first band this wilful apparatus decide to play was Manowar >D Well... bright light heavy metal? >D)

Another topic before I could drift off once again:
I got the written authorisation from the Russian embassy to forfeit the citizenship. If I'm lucky, I'll obtain the German one even before the New Year! :)

PS: Sorry, for the incoherent content - I have to catch up on sleep for two days. Gonna start right now >)

P²S: And lots of love to my parents, Dali and Peter. F. Hamilton for making my holiday such a great time >D


I just couldn't resist to post a few ^^"

Dream vs. Reality Comparison - vol. 1.


is like...

the reality part >D )

Okay, but now I'm really off >D


Aug. 10th, 2010 02:44 pm
lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
Attention, please: I'm gone for a few weeks now :) my long-awaited seaside-holidays stars tomorrow and I'm going to swim out till I reach the horizon ;D

(also spending time with my parents, books, music, dancing, cocktails, conversation, mountain hike, climbing, sightseeing, dreaming, writing... and I still need to pack. Why do I always pack at the very last moment? I know, I'll forget something. As sure as death and taxes. But well, first I have to catch the train to Hanover, tomorrow morning - the air-plane... )

See you :)

11.08 - 27.08 AWAY

lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
Most of my f-list already knew the test, but I just couldn't resist... James Joyce, the author of the untranslatable "Finnegans Wake" and a few other vexed works. Shall I take it as a compliment? Or are my weak grammar and the strong preference for "m dashes" and "ellipsis" to blame?
Whatever. I wish there were something of the kind for German texts - I'm really a bit curious about my stories. Besides, my Dad keeps telling me, my SciFi-tales are not SciFi at all. But then again - he doesn't take Ray Bradbury as a SciFi-author either o.O"

I write like
James Joyce

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Next topic: sweet student life.

I'm done with two of my Very Important Exams. Freedom starts teasing me with the heady aroma~  but there is still one more test to go (it'll never end...) - biomolecular chemistry this time. Yes, it sounds just as scary as it is ò.ó

Unfortunately, the few scattered thunderstorms didn't bring enough cooling for me to fell comfortable outside, so I moved in with my books - and now we are living in the clinical centres library. Aren't we some big loving flagship family?
Aside from the great library there are although a student canteen, a few lecture rooms, study area with comfortable desks, internet access places, ... actually I was wondering most, when a real life invalid was crossing my way - I almost thought this little autonomic town was exclusively student-populated.

New Homeland >3 )

Well, next topic: A Fairy Tale.

Sometimes life reminds us of myth stories: It could be some horror lullaby or a sweet romance, everything is possible. I'm sure everyone knows his own unbelievable stories to tell - so, how about this one: A week from her 23 B-Day a girl finds a golden lion pendant in dusty piles of old postcards... well, this would be quite a trashy fairy tale, I guess.

My grandma, a very devout and a bit superstitiously person, bought this Leo-amulet the next day I was born. Intending to make it a Birthday present, when I'd turn 18. Unexpectedly, my parents and I moved to Germany, when I was still 14. So, Granny took me aside a few days before the transfer... secretly, my parents wasn't evolved -  it was a secret just between the two of us. And I was so good into hiding the amulet, till I would be old enough to wear it, that I actually forgot about its existence. Like... at all ^^" Moving into a foreign country was troublesome enough to keep my mind occupied with worries and hopes, there wasn't any free time to be reminiscent of old secrets.

So, if I wasn't searching for an old computer game, I was missing, and accidentally found a box full of old postcards, drawings and childish secrets, I would have never came across the pendant.

pendant photo, following by a bit Russian & German kitsch from my 13-years-old romantic alter ego >D )

PS: But now I'm really motivated to work on the SciFi-project, which keeps me awake for quite a while now... Hopefully, the muse will be still  waiting for me, when I'm done with all the exams. Although those are so flighty creatures~

P²S: just for the lulz >3 badass granny's girl >D

lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (books - delocalized mind)
Since the semester is nearly over I finally have enough time for... learning! >D

So the next few days (at least till 16.07.. and then till 28.07) I won't show any serious signs of life @.@"

(c) me & my beloved coffee machine ♥ The lovely china cup was sponsored by my Mom, when I moved out a few years ago >3 (fullview) I guess there should be some stylish logo with that 'coffee point of view'-line but, well, may be next time...

PS: And yes, the heat's still driving me nuts. It sucks the last drops of concentration out of me and leaves only a silly empty shell behind~ (embarrassing) Evidence enough? I haven't done something stupid like that since I was ten ^^""

Okay, off now. See you next weekend, dear f-list and stalkers! <3


EDIT: The next time I'd be complaining about the heat - please, remind me of the great medicine library in the clinical centre a few steps from my home. It's perfect for learning but ... I was freezing. @.@"

9 %

Jun. 30th, 2010 01:22 pm
lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
Still 91 % left xD

My Dad just send me an e-mail concerning our next vacation, I hope, we'll agree on Croatia this time *_*" after Madrid I'm way to tired for another cultural trip (it really sounds despicable, I guess ^^" But I'd like to swim 40% of my 2-week holiday this time, thanks. There are still another 60% left and I'm willing to spend it visiting diverse castles & its environs. My cam is rotting without climbing any rocks while photo-shooting xD Which reminds me, I still didn't post any pics from Spain, did I? Aghz. )

Well, I'm just spending the lunch break dreaming, as always. But today it's a bit chilly outside and I'm thirst for action. I'd love nothing better now than doing something stupid and get out of this town. To go somewhere. Anywhere. 
Nagh, just dreaming in the warm glow?

You have to zoom the map - especially the Europa part - to see more details. And in the USA it was only Florida - I'm feeling a bit like cheating seeing the whole country marked o.O" 


And a few last photos. Once again.
I was 10 or 12 years old and it was the first time I was in a foreign land and a the first time I've seen "a cosplayer" too - it was a bit like a dream. And that for I'm so in love with photos - it's an archaeological evidence it was really life and not just dreaming.

Warning: The pictures aren't pretty nor they are high quality shots but I'm looking so capital excited here as only a child can be. So hell, why not? And the cosplay-girls were pretty there >D

even more pictures )

P²S: I should stop acting so nostalgic over dumb old memories, but the weather is to blame. Sure.

lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
Next week I'll break free! >3
Well, still have to write an exam each Monday (the reason why every weekend I'm studying and don't really realize it's free), still have to learn a lot, still have to work on my lab reports, still.... ok, I already got the message - the freedom is beyond my reach. But at least I won't hang around these pest-holes of labs until my bones are rotten, and then I'll die. So I can enjoy the spring (= raining. And it's about 10-12 °C here. And did I mentioned it's raining all the day?).

I guess, I'm too tired for a long entry, sorry, dear F-List. Would you like a little dumb pic-spam instead?


A few of the compounds I created>3

Iodine really curls in the flask in this pretty violet gas cloudlet, no photoshop added~
(Through I failed as photograph - whenever it was getting really interesting I had to take care of the gadget. It's dangerous to leave some reactions to itself for too long >3)

take a look? )

And a little book-meme in German (thx, Umi >D)
(Oh and no, I won't bother you with my English any longer, it was just a little experiment.. to proof I still don't feel comfortable with this language :( It makes me feel like I'm not capable of any complex thought - just because I can't express it proper way in English... But may by I'll practice it every now and then ^.~)

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 4-7 sentences on your LJ along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest (unless it's too troublesome to reach and is really heavy. Then go back to step 1).
6. Tag five people.

book-meme >3 )

Die fünf nächsten Opfer:

[livejournal.com profile] aoinagaru_kuran - Wenn du Zeit & Lust auf etwas Ablenkung findest~ An der Stelle noch eine XXXL -Packung von irish awesomeness und geräucherter Liebe >.<"
 [livejournal.com profile] cookie_shinn - darf gerne auch auf Spanisch sein >3
[livejournal.com profile] kurukii  - ich bin wirklich neugierig welche Bücher man mit sich auf so lange Reisen einpackt >3 Aber hier dann doch bitte nichts japanisches, der Sprache bin ich absolut nicht mächtig (vom niveaulosen Animejargon mal abgesehen <.<")... es sei denn du übersetzt es ;)
[livejournal.com profile] nikaidou_akira  - Du hast einen sehr interessanten und oft überraschenden Geschmack, so lange es keine Elfen sind, will ich wissen, was es diesmal ist  *__*"
[livejournal.com profile] xjukasamax  - war da letztens nicht irgendwas mit Misosuppe? Oder war ging's um Sushi? >D

Nun denn, meine Zeit ist um, zurück ans Lernen. x_X"

PS: I should really look through my old photo-file more often - there are some shoots deserving an entry and instead I only post some random pics of Myself and the coffee automates at the university (the last one was made as a simple token of gratitude - the automate saved me more that once from falling asleep during some of the lectures... - can be found in the lab-folder). I should concentrate more on the World around me and not on the chaos inside Me. Another one good resolution. Just the same as the thousand and one before it.

PPS: Ok, NOW  really back at learning <.<"
lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
So viel zu tun und so wenig Zeit x_x" und ein Kumpel hatte mich heute Abend zum "Avatar" 3D eingeladen - es stürmt draußen und die Bäume stöhnen und der Wind pfeift wie verrückt und ich will nicht. Aber da ich ihn schon 2 mal sitzen gelassen habe, darf ich nicht noch einmal um Aufschub bitten.
Sei stark. Sei stark und fange an, mit Menschen aus deinem Kurs zu kommunizieren. Du kennst sie schon seit knapp 3 Jahren und solltest langsam in der Lage sein, einen normalen Abend unter deinesgleichen zu verbringen. Ohne dich dabei regelrecht zu zwingen aus dem Haus zu gehen.
Sei stark.

Aber ich arbeite ja schon gezielt daran, was soziale Zwangskommunikation angeht. Wirklich.  Ich habe mich sogar für ein paar Tage in März für einen italienischen Austauschstudent als Tutorin engagiert. Weil ich Geld für die LBM brauche. Und verdammt, ich habe keine einziges braves ziviles Foto von mir, um es auf der Universitätsseite auszustellen x.x" Wer findet mich in zivil unter den anderen? Tipp: Ich lächle als einzige nicht. www.uni-goettingen.de/de/32034.html
Schade, dass ich kein bisschen Italienisch kann und bei meinem Schützling stand nur 3 Monate Grundkurs Deutsch....$!§"§!!! Wenn er kein Englisch kann, müssen wir auf Gebärensprache umsteigen.
Und wo wir gerade bei Sprachen sind - die erste Woche in März bin ich in Spanien ([livejournal.com profile] cookie_shinn du musst mir alles über Madrid & Umgebung erzählen, was man in einer Woche sehen kann!) Das wird ein sehr-sehr ausgefüllter Monat. + Besuch von meinem Teufel (irischness love) + Picknick (oder im April?) + Lernen für 2 aufgeschobene Klausuren (will nicht. Absolut nicht).
Und... ich sehe es schon, ich habe wieder so viel vor, dass ich mich extrem überschätze und Ferien brauche und mich von den Ferien zu erholen,

Ich sollte ruhig bleiben und lernen.

Ich sollte.

..... ich mache mir jetzt eine Tasse Tee und gehe dann wirklich in die kalte, unfreundliche Welt da draußen. (again & again: warum muss das Wetter ausgerechnet heute so dermaßen ungemütlich sein?) Ich suche doch nicht etwas wieder nach Ausreden um nicht hinzugehen? Hm.

Und am Donnerstag Klausuraufsicht. Ich bin nervöser als meine Ersties, habe ich das Gefühl - aber ehrlich, was macht man so als Klausuraufsicht? x_x"

Hm. Ich sollte endlich anfangen, Gedanken zu Ende zu bringen und nicht mitten im Satz aufzuhören, weil ich mich auf eine neue Vorstellung stürzen will. Laaaangsam und planmäßig. Langsam. Aber nicht einschlafen, Liebes. Ich weiß, ich weiß, heute wieder nur 5 Stunden geschlafen. Es hat dich aber keiner gezwungen, bis 3 Uhr Nachts wach zu bleiben. Ich bin selbst mein schlimmster Feind - und ich bin gut darin <_<"

Zur Aufmunterung gibt es heute sogar ein paar Tests, damit meine F-List ebenfalls der Sünde der Trägheit frönen kann und ein paar Minuten ihres Lebens sinnlos aber doch irgendwie befriedigend verbringen kann (ich wollte widerstehen, wirklich - Umi! Schäm dich!! - aber die Ergebnisse haben mich diesmal in der Tat amüsiert - die Testmacker haben bestimmt gestalkt.)  

click for the senseless )

.... übrigens, wenn ich nicht gleich aufstehe, komme ich zu spät x_x" Damn.
lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)

Eigentlich ist es recht unkreativ den Titel für einen LJ_Eintrag aus einem quantenchemischen Hausaufgabenzettel zu klauen. Aber die Kapitel in unseren Lehrbüchern sind immer so klangvoll benannt, als hätte die Quantentheorie selbst eine tief verborgene Schwärmerei für die Philosophie entdeckt (oder die Autoren sind verkappte Dichter und schüchterne Philosophen gewesen.. überlegt nur: Es gibt eine Quantenart, die 'strangeness' eines Teilchens angibt - wenn die Menschen, die für diese Bezeichnung verantwortlich waren, keinen Humor hatten, dann weiß ich auch nicht xD)
Außerdem beschreibt es recht gut mein momentanes Leben - vor allem das mit der Störungstheorie. Auch ich werde nie den idealen, ungestörten Zustand erreichen, für den eine eindeutige Lösung möglich ist. Höchstens nach dem Tod. Aber auch das ist ungewiss >3

Ein schöner Anfang um das Leben anzupreisen, nicht wahr? Aber genau das hatte ich vor >3 The evil little Twitter pflückt die Eindrücke, wenn sie noch ganz frisch sind, und was übrig bleibt, sind schwerfällige, langatmige Überlegungen oder private Notizen und keine von den beiden trägt in der Regel dazu bei die Laune des Schreibenden zu heben.

Daher begebe ich mich auf das neutrale Gebiet der Kunst und des Betrachtens - also ist picspam angesagt >3

Und um der Ansage auch gleich zu widersprechen (ist es noch ein stilvoller Paradox oder schon eine schwachsinnige Unentschlossenheit?), fange ich mit einem Bildchen an, das keinerlei künstlerischen Wert hat~ Es zeigt bloß mein übermüdetes Gesicht von vor zwei Stunden, ein Stückchen des Badezimmers (ich wollte gerade unter die Dusche ^____^) und den eigentümlichen Versuch etwas aus meinen Haaren zu machen x.x" Ich will schon seit einer Weile eine neue Frisur, kann mich aber nicht entscheiden welche genau ^^" (damn, war das jetzt.... girly .. das liegt bestimmt an übermäßigem Zimtteezufuhr <.<")

Japp, so schaue ich normalerweise, wenn ich mir gerade keine Mühe gebe, irgendwas darzustellen xDD und noch mal ein close-up der Cam, weil sie doch das wichtigste auf dem Bild ist >3

und jetzt ein Bild, auf dem ich mich so richtig.... nackt fühle x____X"

ab 18? xD )

Okay, das war jetzt wirklich ein wahrer Picspam oder? Sinnlos und eigentlich vollkommen überflüssig. Die Tage versuche ich noch mal das gleiche in Worte zu fassen >3 Aber nicht vor nächste Woche - am Samstag geht's zu meinen Eltern, da werde ich gewiss beschäftigt genug sein *_*~

lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)
Es sind oft die kleinen Dinge im Leben, die Eindruck auf einen machen. So kam mir heute Morgen eine blonde, fröhliche Joggerin entgegen, als ich gerade das Haus verließ. Es war kurz vor halb 8, ein regnerischer, kalter Herbstmorgen, grau und ungemütlich und die Frau strahlte wie der hellste Junitag - sonnig, warm, zufrieden. Da wurde man zwischen schlechtem Gewissen (ich vernachlässige schon seit Wochen das Training x_x"), einem undefinierbaren Groll (wie kann sie es wagen, meine Morgendlichmuffeligkeit derart mit den Füßen zu treten?) und einem energischen Wunsch den Tag nun seinerseits bis an die Grenzen auszunutzen, hin und her gerissen.
Mein neues Fahrrad ist eine lahme Schnecke. Ganz liebevoll auch Schneckchen oder lahmes Schrotthäuflein genannt. Aber es fährt und es war billig und wenn ich Morgens zu Uni fahre, freue ich mich fast, über seine nervzerrende Langsamkeit schimpfen zu können - so ähnlich wie wenn man Voodoo-puppen pickst: Bringt zwar nichts, wirkt aber irgendwie beruhigend.
Fast an meiner wunderschönen Fakultät angekommen und in Gedanken immer noch irgendwo bei der sonnigen Joggerin, merkte ich auch nicht gleich einen eigenartigen Geruch. Frisch und übelkeitserregend zugleich. Eine tote Ratte. Mitten auf der Straße. Kommt häufiger vor, würde man meinen, doch so ein ausgewachsenes Exemplar hatte ich noch nie gesehen. Mir kamen sogar die Zweifel; war das Ding nicht ein wenig zu ausgewachsen für eine Ratte? Eine verdammt wohlernährte Ratte, wenn der Geruch an einem selbst durch die dünne, nasse Luft kleben bleiben konnte. So viel zu dem wunderschönen Morgen...

Aber all den Amen zu trotz war das eine interessante Woche. Das Lehren kam diesmal sehr glatt von der Bühne - es macht wirklich Spaß, wenn die Klasse sich mal anschickt auch ihre Hausaufgaben zu machen, so dass ich nicht in die halbgenervte, halbgelangweilte Gesichter starren muss, während ich versuche irgendwas zumindest irgendjemanden klarzumachen, sondern mir stattdessen auch mal ihre Version der Lösung anhören kann >3
Eine der eigener Fächer waren dagegen weniger erfreulich gewesen: 'Technische Chemie' ist absolut nicht mein Fall. Als ich solche Worte wie 'Ausbeute' oder 'Umsatz' hörte, kam ich mir auf einmal wie in der BWL vor, sprich, 'Weiche vor mir, Satan!'. Als der Prof dann einige Witze zu Industrie und wie man am besten Geld verdient, reinstreuen wollte, wurde die Sache auch nicht viel besser.
Dafür ist Biomolekuläre nach wie vor mein Lieblingsfach - ich überlege ernsthaft, ob ich in die Richtung der Toxikologie/Pharma/Biophysik gehen sollte.. auch wenn es so gar nichts damit zu tun hat, was ich anfänglich machen wollte. Tja xD (Und die Frau Professorin ist eine schmale rothaarige Gestalt, mit goldberingte Fingerchen - wie eine trockene Krähenkralle, die aber selbst die verrücktesten Moleküle perfekt an die Tafel malen kann. Ich bin beinahe fasziniert. Wäre ich am Morgen nicht zu müde um genau hinzuschauen. Und würde sie uns nicht so verdammt, ungerecht, unverhältnismäßig viel Hausaufgaben aufbürgen. Und so viel zu lernen verlangen – stumpfes Lernen wohlgemerkt, etwas worin ich absolut nicht gut bin und es daher auch nicht mag. Aber auch knifflige Sachen sind dabei – ich finde fast Spaß daran solche ellenlangen Ketten selbst aufzumalen >3)
Außerdem muss ich heute noch Mathe machen.. das heißt quantenmechnanisches Rechnen, nicht Mathe. Doch wie man das auch betitelt, bleibt es in meinen Augen Mathematik, Mathematik in ihrer eigentlichen, kristallinen Form. Rein, erhaben und Integralverschnörkelt. Vermisst habe ich es nicht.
Genug der Wissenschaft. Auf der Gefühlsebene ist ja alles auch sehr verwirrend - Vincent hatte endlich eingesehen, dass er Adrian liebt >_<" Kein schlechtes Ende für das erste Band, aber von der Autorin der Chroniken von Snagov, wo die Taten des Woiwoden Drakula weder Gnade noch Mitleid kannten, hatte ich etwas weniger Kitsch erwartet. Aber der Stil ist vorzüglich und die Charaktere entlocken einem immer wieder ein Lächeln und bei der Unmenge an talentlosen Schriftstellern heutzutage, ist alleine das schon ein Segen. Und ich will trotzdem wissen, wie es weitergeht xD
Schlimmer ist es mit Klassikern wie Huxley (Ja, 'the brave new world' ist von ihm, aber bei weitem nicht sein bestes Werk, bloß das berühmteste... wer entscheidet eigentlich so was? <.<"), Huxley schreibt scheinbar alltägliche Dinge, nichts neues, solche Menschen sieht man überall und doch würde ich am liebsten jeden Satz meiner [cit.-list] hinzufügen. Ich habe ja eine kleine Schwäche für interessante Zitate, doch in dem Fall müsste ich das ganze Buch kopieren, wenn ich jede Stelle, die mich berührt oder belastet hat, rausschreiben würde. Hm.
Wieder ganz anders verhält es sich mit Hamilton. Kein Satz war für würdig befunden, abgetippt zu werden, doch die Gesamtheit, die Geschichte an sich, die vollblütige Welt, die er spielend erschaffen hat - das alles lässt einem fast den Kopf bei dem bloßen Versuch platzen, sich das Panorama in aller Verdorbenheit und Pracht vorzustellen. Tolkiens Welt schrumpft und verblasst im Vergleich zu Hamiltons Galaxien. Wenn auch er manchmal gerne viel zu tief in 'Space Opern' Genre abdrifte und seine majestätische Bilder großzügig mit Blut, Sex und Aktion bemalt. Ich fand die Sternen hübscher, aber anscheinend gehört es bei ihm einfach dazu. Der Überschwang an Fantasie, Ideen und Inspiration blendet den Verstand genügend, um nicht noch auf kleinere Geschmacksfehler zu achten. (aber warum muss er so viele Fortsetzungen schreiben? In unserer Bibliothek sind leider nur Bruchstücke seiner Weltmosaik erhältlich und ohne alle Bänder zu kennen, kommt man verdammt schwer in seiner ereignisreichen Welt zurecht)

Aber ehe ich wieder ans Lernen mache (… nein, nicht immer, wenn ich off gehe, fange ich sofort zu lernen an. Leider. Meistens bleibt es bei dem noblen Vorsatz, ohne dass je Taten daraus werden. Aals würde alleine die Tatsache, dass ich es schriftlich fest, dem Entschluss mehr Kraft verleihen. Ein Irrtum. Viel wahrscheinlicher wird es, dass ich mir mein halbes Kilo Quark und ein weiteres Buchlein schnappe und für eine unbestimmte Zeit ins Bett verkrieche. Eine warme Teetase in greifbarer Nähe. Aber davor lerne ich noch ein bisschen kurz.... Sicher) Also am Wochenende kommen meine Eltern vorbei und schenken mir ihr altes Bügeleisen *g* Und - sowie ich Mum kenne - sehr, sehr viel Essen >3 Sprich, ich sollte aufräumen. Das scheint sich langsam auch zu einem konstanten Vorsatz entwickelt zu haben, den ich ständig mit mir rumschleppe. Nicht, dass ich es nie tue, aber genau wie bei lernen, hat er die wunderliche Eigenschaft sich ständig zu regenerieren, wenn ich geglaubt habe, ihn vernichten geschlagen zu haben. Da hatte man am Montag schon gelernt und muss es am Dienstag wieder tun, weil neue Hausaufgaben hinzugekommen sind. Und der Müll häuft sich, egal wie oft ihn raustrage. Wobei ich es recht gerne mache... also, Müll rausbringen.... okay, klingt das jetzt nur in meinen Ohren seltsam? Aber im Ernst, das ist ähnlich wie das Zähneputzen, entspannend und man kann dabei über interessante Dinge nachdenken, ohne sich übermäßig zu sorgen, dass man irgendwas falsch macht, wenn man nicht aufpasst. Herrlich für solche unfähige Frauen wie mich, die nie zwei Sachen auf einmal tun können. Höchstens Musikhören und Atmen.

Whatever... eigentlich wollte ich nur kurz von der frischen Joggerin und der ebenso frischen Leiche berichten wollte. Das schien mir ein passender Vergleich zu sein. Und außerdem.... why not?


Oct. 21st, 2009 10:20 pm
lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)

The Rules:

* Reply to this meme by yelling "Words!".
* I will then give you five words that remind me of you.
* Then post them in your LJ and explain what they mean to you.

My Words from Wana :3

Durfte ich früher nicht. Wegen Magen und all der Säure und irgendwie sonstigem Zeug, das ich als Kind nicht verstanden habe. Eigentlich darf ich es auch jetzt nicht damit übertreiben, aber wenn es rosa und nach dem Lieschen duftet >3...... wobei ich morgens manchmal schon darauf zurückgreife, wenn ich keine Zeit zum Zähneputzen habe - ich bin eitel, ich will meine Kommilitonen nicht anstinken >3

... zwei Menschen, die sich beide dummerweise zu viele Sorgen machen, statt einfach zu fragen? xD Bei der nächst besten Gelegenheit auf jeden Fall! *g* (und auch mal Telefonphoro im gleichen Bett? xD)

Ein ewiger Kampf zwischen Stolz und Verstand. Stolz ist ja eigentlich was schönes, ein positiver Charakterzug, mit dem sich jeder schmücken will. Nicht mit Arroganz zu verwechseln, die wurzelt in Verachtung anderen gegenüber. Viele verwechseln es auch mit Unhöflichkeit, ich aber viel zu oft mit Egoismus.

Hat wahrscheinlich einen therapeutischen Wert. Oder ist eine Sucht. Passt am besten zum Tee abends und zu einer langweiligen Vorlesung morgens. Sollte eigentlich langsam und durchdacht entstehen, aber manchmal komme ich mir wie ein Verhungerter vor, der einen gedeckten Tisch vor sich sieht und alles in sich hineinstopft, bis ihm schlecht wird. So ging es mir früher manchmal mit RPGs – das hatte natürlich fatale Folgen, irgendwann hatte ich selbst keine Lust mehr auf meine Aufsätze, die ich als Posts verkaufen wollte. Dann gab es Fanfiktion. Ein wundersamer Spielplatz, doch irgendwann wollte ich eigenständige Geschichten schreiben. Ob das nun gut geklappt hat, kann ich wohl nicht objektiv beurteilen, aber ich will es später auch mit Journalismus versuchen – und dort hat man ja auch schon den ganzen Kanon vorgegeben.

Man merkt es alleine an der Länge dieser Antwort, wie sehr ich Wörter mag und bereit bin, sie in der Welt zu mehren. Wenn es so weiter geht, werden es wohl meine einzige Nachkommen bleiben, aber immerhin konnte ich sie mir selbst aussuchen, was nicht alle Menschen von ihren Kinder behaupten können. Außerdem liebe ich sie, auch wenn ich mir manchmal wünsche, sie zurück in die Hirnneuronen zu stopfen, zurück unter die Haut, zurück zu mir. Auch wenn ich sie gerne verschenke. Und ausnutze. Und ist Schreiben nicht Macht? Früher wollte ich damit die Welt verändern... nein, wirklich. Und Gedichte hatte ich früher auch geschrieben. Ich weiß nicht mehr, welche der beiden Dummheiten mir jetzt peinlicher ist...


… muss es immer so kompliziert sein? Der einzige Bereich, wo ich total versage und mir absolut nichts zutraue.. Ich liebe meine Eltern und bin dabei fast jedes Mal genervt, wenn sie anrufen. Ich hatte für meine zwei Ex's eine ganze Menge Gefühle empfunden, aber anscheinend waren es jedesmal die Falschen gewesen, denn keins hat mich je davon abgehalten, ihnen systematisch wehzutun. Am Ende war ich erleichtert, als ich mehr oder minder erfolgreich die Beziehungen beendet habe.

Liebe ist mühsam und muss gepflegt werden. Wahrscheinlich bin ich viel zu egoistisch dafür. Oder viel zu misstrauisch, wenn jemand behauptet mich zu lieben. Oder es ist mir noch nicht so ein Wesen über den Weg gelaufen, bei dem ich das gleiche empfinden würde.

Aber wenn ich ehrlich bin, sollte ich darüber um einiges trauriger sein. Denn irgendwer schien Liebe damals als einen festen Bestandteil des Glücks festgelegt zu haben, ohne mich um meine Meinung gefragt zu haben. Beinahe komme ich mir defekt vor, indem ich es wage ohne glücklich zu sein. Oder nimmt meine 'Liebe' nur eine andere Form an? Wenn sich Liebe und Glück ähnlich verhalten, wie Masse und Energie, dann wüsste ich die Lösung – Ich kann jetzt pure Liebe in Form von konventionellen Liebesbeziehungen (=Masse) entbehren, weil mir die Energie (sprich Glück) in anderen Formen dargeboten wird: Eltern, Freunde, Bücher, Kreativität, Studium, Wissen, Musik, Tee,... das alles kann in mir ein Gefühl der Glücksseligkeit ähnlich dem Verliebtsein hervorrufen. Vielleicht ist es nur ein Surrogat für die Liebe. Aber ein verdammt gutes *__*“


So dann, ich bin ins Bett. Morgen ist Molekulare Chemie gegen Kinetik angesagt, da muss ich ausgeschlafen und scharfsinnig sein >3

(PS. Wo wir gerade bei der Liebe sind: I'm deepyl in love with Aldous Huxley *_*“ Warum zählt nur ausgerechnet sein 'brave new world' zu den Klassikern? Jetzt entdecke ich ja ganz neue Seiten an dem guten Mann, die mir weit mehr zusagen.. aww~ unser heiße Affäre wird wohl noch ein Weilchen dauern, denn ich gehe mit ihm gleich ins Bett und weh er hält mich wieder bis 2 Uhr Nacht wach >.<“)


lokuro: It's the solar system, by ? (Default)

June 2012

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